There were three of them. Of that, I was certain. Was I certain of my sanity? Not so much.
Believe me. I tried doing everything I could think of to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. I closed my eyes, pinched myself, and then quickly opened them again to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. Nope, I was awake, but this couldn’t be real. Unicorns don’t exist. I know that. Everyone knows that, yet they were right here. Although the pinch hurt, I wasn’t entirely sure that I was awake. That’s when I got the wonderful idea to call my friend Brittany. I hatched a plan, and this was it: I would call her to come over and watch a movie with me. I would not reference the unicorn wandering my apartment, and I would then know whether I was hallucinating or not. Either she would see them or she wouldn’t. Either way, I would have my answer.
Brit came over right away and the purple unicorn passed right by her, but Brit made no mention of it. So that was it. I had lost my shit. I could not have been drugged because I live alone and I never go to parties, or other public places. All signs point to me having a nervous breakdown, but why? I wasn’t stressed out about anything. I guess it just happens like that sometimes: You just lose your mind one day.
Midway through the movie, I sat there contemplating my next steps. I would have to be admitted into a psychiatric ward. As I sat there making a mental note of everything I had to give away before I was taken away, Brit turns to me and says “so we’re really not going to discuss the unicorns walking around?” I froze momentarily before relief swept over me. “So you CAN see them?” Ever the smartass, Brit replies “what am I? Blind? Of course I can see them. I was waiting for an explanation as to why you have mythical creatures just casually wandering around your apartment. I thought I was in that new Pokemon game, where I was supposed to catch them as I saw them, but figured that wasn’t it when you made no attempt to catch them.”
No, this isn’t a Pokemon game gone wrong, but why are they here? “Can we pet them?” she asked. “I guess so. They seem harmless enough. If they wanted to kill me, they had plenty of time to do it, so it doesn’t look like they’re after human blood.” I slowly inched toward where the pink and blue one were hanging out and offered out my hand so they could sniff me. “What are they dogs?” Brit snarked. I snarked back “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were a fucking unicorn expert.” That shut her up briefly. I pet both the pink and blue ones lightly so that they wouldn’t freak out, as she pet the purple one. They were the softest little animals you ever felt! They really liked to be pet, and they seemed to blush when you pet them; their fur turned a richer color, and they seemed to almost purr.
After playing with them for a while, Brit and I decided that we should probably look for help getting them into a safer environment. I searched cryptozoologists in our area, and hired one named Ryan solely because of his looks. What? I’m a shallow person. I never claimed to be any different.
Ryan tried his best not to show his skepticism over the phone, but agreed to come over. He was armed with pepper spray and would use it if I was the unstable lunatic he suspected me to be, but curiosity killed the cat, right? Ryan came right over and he must have lived nearby because he was knocking on my door within an hour. I answered the door alone in case he fainted when he saw Muffy (that’s what I named the pink one that took a liking to me). So I walked him into the living room where Brit was playing with Muffy, Mudgy, and Nugget. We named the blue one Nugget because he ate Brit’s chicken nuggets, and Brit named the purple one Curmudgeon, which I hated so we called her Mudgy for short.
I’m glad Muffy didn’t answer the door with me, because Ryan almost fainted when he saw them. After his initial shock, he asked if he could pet them. I said sure. He walked over to them with hands outstretched so they could sniff him. I smiled in an “I-told-you-so” way at Brit and she just stuck out her tongue at me. As he approached them, they all walked over to him and their fur immediately turned red. I thought he hurt them, but noticed they were just in love with him. How annoying. They spent all day with us, but they were as shallow as I was, I guess.
Ryan built a fort from our couch pillows and they all immediately followed him in. They played for what seemed like hours, as Brit and I both sulked outside the fort. When Ryan finally came out, he asked if he could sleep over. I told him strangers weren’t allowed to sleep over, and he was sad when he asked “and I guess you wouldn’t let me borrow them so they could sleep over with me” I didn’t want to seem rude so I said “You know. That doesn’t sound like a good idea. I really don’t want to attract attention, and how the hell would you even hide them when you transport them to your house?” Just then, all three of them shrank to miniatures so that they could easily fit in a little tupperware. I couldn’t believe those little fuckers. They chose him over me!!
Brit and I both glared at them. They really didn’t care. They happily followed Ryan around and did not object to being put in a tupperware. Finally, I said he could sleep over instead of risking them getting hurt during the transport. Once I said that, they all immediately grew back to their original heights. I gave Ryan a new toothbrush and a pillow so he could sleep on the couch. He thanked me and laid down on the couch where they all immediately snuggled up to him. Brit said she was leaving and they just looked up at her and then snuggled back to Ryan. She left without another word, but I thought I heard her heart breaking when Mudgy did not offer to shrink so that she could go home with her.
The next morning, Ryan asked if it would be okay if he came back after showering and freshening up. I said I had a lot of work to do around the house, but would call him as soon as I freed up. I just wanted the three unicorns to myself so that I could build a fort and we could all play for hours. He was sad, but respected my decision. He told them he would see them soon, and as soon as he was gone, they all turned blue. Not the bright blue Nugget was, but a very solemn blue so that it was clear they were sad. I knew a fort would cheer them up, but they all remained blue and wandered near the door clearly waiting for him, effectively ignoring my fort.
AND that my dear friends, is the story of how Ryan and I moved in together. The unicorns made us do it, but then we fell in love and got married. Our pet unicorns couldn’t be more thrilled!